The Other Half of the Conversation
The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well
Most leadership training focuses on giving feedback. But the ability to receive feedback, especially when it's hard to hear, is what separates leaders who grow from those who plateau. As Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen argue: the receiver is the one who controls whether feedback leads to learning.
We spend enormous energy training people to give feedback. We teach them frameworks, scripts, and timing. And yet feedback cultures remain broken in most organisations. Stone and Heen's insight is that the bottleneck isn't the giver, it's the receiver.
When a senior leader can receive feedback well, the entire organisation's feedback culture shifts. When they can't, no amount of training for givers will fix it. People watch how leaders respond to hard truths, and they calibrate their honesty accordingly.
The challenge is biological: feedback, especially critical feedback, triggers a threat response. Your heart rate increases, your thinking narrows, and your instinct is to defend, deflect, or dismiss. Learning to override that instinct is a skill, not a personality trait.
Stone and Heen identified three triggers that block our ability to hear feedback. Each is provoked by something different, and each requires a different strategy to manage.
The feedback itself seems wrong, unfair, or unhelpful
"That's not what happened"
The person giving it is the problem, not the feedback
"Who are you to tell me this?"
The feedback threatens your sense of who you are
"I'm not that kind of person"
Michelle Tillis Lederman's 5 A's framework provides a practical step-by-step process for handling feedback gracefully, even when your instinct is to push back.
Listen with a level head. No defending, no explaining. Just take it in.
Probe deeper. "Can you give me an example?" "What would improvement look like?"
Summarise what you heard. Agree with at least one specific point.
Thank them. Giving honest feedback is hard too. Invite them to keep doing it.
Act on it. Follow up. Show them their feedback made a difference.
When we receive critical feedback, most of us move through a predictable emotional sequence. Knowing the staircase helps you recognise where you are, and climb faster.
The goal isn't to skip steps, it's to move through them faster. Most people get stuck at Defend or Explain.
Not all feedback is the same. Mismatches between what you need and what you're getting cause frustration on both sides.
"I see you. I value you."
Meets the need for recognition. Without it, coaching and evaluation feel hollow.
"Here's how to improve."
Aimed at growth. Most useful when you're ready for it. Least useful when you needed appreciation first.
"Here's where you stand."
Tells you how you measure up. Necessary but threatening. Once you hear evaluation, you stop hearing everything else.
Pro tip: If you're getting coaching but you needed appreciation, say so: "I want to hear your suggestions, but first, can you tell me what's working?" Naming the mismatch prevents resentment.
Your ability to receive feedback determines how much truth you'll ever hear. If people learn that giving you feedback is painful, exhausting, or pointless, they'll stop. And then you're leading blind. The most powerful thing a leader can do is make it safe, and rewarding, for people to tell them the truth.
